Bumper cars

On the 12th November, coming back from a weekend away in Eastbourne (how glamorous!) I crashed my car, in fact I wrote it off. However, sitting on the beach that morning, I knew I was going to do it, not down to the whens and wherefores but a definite knowledge that at some point that day, I was going to have an accident. I didn't deliberately crash my car, you understand, I think it was more a case of God giving me a heads up to say that things were about to get a bit rough but He was in control. So, when I was proceeding through a green traffic light and the driver in front of me slammed on the brakes to avoid being taken out by an ambulance on an emergency call, I wasn't at all surprised when I hadn't enough time to stop and crashed into him.
Thankfully everyone in the car was unhurt, which is the most important thing. I couldn't drive my car home as both the headlights were obliterated and the radiator was leaking. Given the age of my car, I knew it would be an economic write off. However, as I sat waiting for the pick up truck, I felt God say that He would provide a replacement car.
My first concern was immediate transport but I was able to borrow my Landlady's car for a week and a friend at work offered hers for the following fortnight as she would be on holiday. Their generosity meant that I didn't have to obtain a replacement car until 4th December, which was a tight deadline but did give me some breathing space.
I sent a prayer request email round and through that received the offer of a free car. In the end this option didn't work out as the car wouldn't actually start but another friend offered me her old car (again for free!). She now has a company car and was going to scrap her old Micra as it had no tax or MOT. So I went about getting that sorted and though it initially failed it's MOT, it was only on minor issues so was easy to fix.
The icing on the cake was that my Landlord has waived my rent for December to help me out financially! I am continually amazed as to how much of a blessing living in that little Bungalow has been. Whatever else is going wrong or however sad I feel that I haven't met my husband yet, I thank God for His provision of a home. As He promised, it has been a place of restoration and new beginnings.
So, my testimony of the last few weeks is that though it has been hard (in addition to the car drama, I was ill and my Mum was taken into hospital with a slight stroke) God has been there. I genuinely don't know what I would have done if I wasn't a Christian, BS suggested that I'd probably be out getting drunk and I think she's probably right. Thankfully I live in the reality of a supernatural God who works practically and perfectly - praise be!

Encouragement

I attended a worship jam at my church the other week. It is open to anyone, some who attend play an instrument, sing or dance others simply want the opportunity to soak in the LORD's presence. There is no planned structure, everyone just pitches up, someone starts playing something and it goes from there.
I have been involved in worship almost as long as I've been a Christian but haven't been part of any up front stuff for awhile. For me, this means that confidence in my singing abilities is a little shaky, the voice is a very personal instrument and I'm very aware that appreciation of any noise I make is in the ear of the listener, as it were. Therefore I am sensitive (probably overly so) of the people around me. So, when I was aware that in the group of people I was near I was the only one singing, I moved away a little, so as not to distract them if they were engaging with God.
At the end of the evening one of those people stopped me at the door as I was leaving to say that they thought I sung beautifully and wished that I had gone up to the microphone!
I laughed at myself for being a buffon for quite a substantial portion of the journey home, but was also touched by this reminder; God sees us in our little struggles and He prompts people to speak a word of encouragement. That person will never know how timely, apt and much needed their comment was. I hope that I in turn can learn to hear better, respond when prompted to speak a word of encouragement, however small it may seem, and pass the blessing on to someone else.

Dating-schmating!

I was reading a magazine the other day and I saw an advert for a Christian Dating Agency, and I'll be honest, my stomach sank at the sight of it. Not because I am unhappy in my single state and it served as a reminder that I am alone but instead it is because it makes me feel that I should be doing something, that unless I log on and sign up I am destined to remain a spinster because I didn't make the effort. Of course I realise that I cannot expect to meet anyone unless I get out of the house but my social life is the most healthy and balanced that it's ever been, I genuinely like the way I look and am simply enjoying life. Therefore it begs the question, do I need to bother with internet dating? If my current success rate is anything to go by probably not. In the three years I have been a member of a Christian site, I haven't had one date, not one, zero, zilch. In addition the men I think are the most interesting never write back, even if it is them that contacted me in the first place!
Of course this is a free site and perhaps it would be different if I joined a subscription one. However I am loathed to pay money to a cheesy looking site with no guarantee of finding a potential mate. All this said, the main objection that I have to Internet dating is that I hate it. There, I've said it out loud (well in print) and it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Many is the evening that I have sat in front of my PC trawling through countless sites and profiles and I mutter to God that 'I hate this' and inevitably His retort is 'then why are you doing it?', my reply through firmly clenched teeth is 'to show willing' And theres the crunch. When you are 30 something and single there is a feeling that you need to work in order to find a partner, that somehow because you are still on your own, you have to put extra effort in. Seemingly doing the normal things like getting out there, being open to opportunities and enjoying life aren't enough, that you're still single because you haven't had a strategy. I wonder how many Christian couples that met and married in their 20s did so through Internet dating? I'm no statistician but I suspect the figure isn't very high. My main issue with it is that I hate the lack of spontaneity, the time consuming drag of it all with no end result and the difficulty it poses for a girl like me who loves banter and seeing a sparkle in a man's eyes, those are huge draws for me on the attraction front and Internet dating just doesn't cut it for me.
So, I've decided - no more feeling guilty because I haven't been online, I'm going to trust the greatest dating agent in the world - the LORD himself and see if He can't come up with the goods. After all He's been match making for thousands of years......

In praise of women

I attended a women's event at church recently - Girlzone - and haven't had a chance yet to process all my thoughts and feelings following it. However one thing that struck me was the different kind of freedom that I experienced from worshipping and encountering the Holy Spirit without any men around. I'm not saying that I'm not free when the 'boys' are there but it was just different. As a single girl I do want to be in a relationship and am hopeful that a suitable man will appear on the scene soon but following such a thought provoking conference I am mindful that I must not get so distracted by boys and the prospect of romantic love that I forget the value of my female friends.
My regular chats with the inspiring DM, talking about the LORD, life and trivialities in equal measure, the joy of having ML back in the country who makes me laugh out loud so regularly, having the charming CS round for dinner last week and having time to talk, writing to the lovely JG and the excitement of her coming back to the UK soon and the unexpected surprise of hanging out with the most excellent BS in between the 'double whammy' of church services on Sunday evening and chatting to her. These are just a few of the amazing women in my life, and I do value and appreciate them but I must not take them for granted.
Whatever happens in life, whoever I end up marrying, these women and others will be important in my journey. They can affirm me in a way that a man cannot, they are gifts from God to encourage, challenge and sustain me. I only hope that I can be as positive a presence for them as they are for me.

Be still and know

Having finished my exercise session yesterday evening and before doing anything else, I opened the back door, sat on the step and listened to the birds. I was struck again by just how blessed I am to be living in this little house. It is all too easy to use the more limited time in the evenings after work for 'doing' rather than relaxing. As ML pointed out; to do lists are never finished as there will always be something to replace a task that you've completed, so you need to take the time to relax. It's something I'm not very good at and resolve to do better. So I sat for a while, listening to the birds. Being in a more rural location I hear varieties of song that I haven't heard before. The cats joined me too, Perde sitting at my feet lazily playing with a piece of twig and Oscar sat in amongst the remaining daffodils and gazed out at the rest of the garden (master of all he surveys!). I didn't think or pray about anything in particular I was just still. It reminds me again of the verse Be still and know that I am God, all too often we rush into the LORD's presence, perhaps aware that we haven't been there for awhile and we are eager to make amends, bring our requests, intercede for the nation but we would no doubt find that our time would be more fruitfully used if we were just still for awhile and took the time to breathe in before breathing out.

It's on the zog drive

I am not a techophobe nor am I completely PC illiterate but it took me two hours to get my photo onto this blog. Yes, two hours. Actually uploading it is fairly easy (even more straightforward if you want the picture as part of a post) but as the picture shown is smaller than the original, the reorganisation of pixels (or whatever the term is) gives me teeth not unlike Goofy's. I am fond of Disney but have no desire to look like Mickey's best friend.
Still, the picture is there now and I'm loathed to try and remove it given the sweat inducing struggle it was to get it there!
If anyone anywhere has any tips..........

Derren Brown - thought provoking or offensive?

Robbie Williams was criticised in the press today for seemingly trivialising the crucifixion in an illusion on Derren Brown’s C4 programme Trick of the Mind.

Church leaders were quoted as admonishing Robbie for his actions; one went as far to say that it was ‘unforgivable’.

It is of course true that you can’t believe everything you read in the papers and the publications included certain tabloids which are not known for accuracy, however it did provoke me to make a response. I watched the Sunday night programme and did think that the metal bore some resemblance to a cross in shape but then I had been to church for the Good Friday and Easter Sunday services so the image of the crucifixion was very much at the forefront of my mind. Practically speaking of course, if you did want to stick needles through somebody’s skin so that they are then able to look at them afterwards, then the arms are an obvious place to try, so it’s equally possible that the decision to have Robbie in that position was for convenience rather than an attempt to trivialise Jesus. Perhaps this comparison was in the back of Mr Brown’s mind at the time of formulating the idea for this stunt and that in the putting together of the series it was very deliberately decided that this episode should be scheduled for Easter Sunday, it is equally possible that nobody noticed any comparison whatsoever and no offence was intended. It is interesting that the criticism is being levelled at Robbie, even though he quite obviously didn’t know what was involved in the stunt beforehand, I suppose out of the two men, he is the more famous so it makes a better story.

This situation nicely illustrates the question that I’ve been pondering for some time about what offends me as a Christian. The conclusion that I’ve come to recently is that things like this actually don’t. I may at times be upset by some of the abuse that is hurled at Jesus, it is after all just like watching your best friend get bullied and not do anything about it, but I am not angry. As I move into my 19^th year as a Christian I do so knowing more of God’s capacity to love and of His awesome strength. My battle is not with flesh and blood but with principalities and powers unseen. If God is at all offended, He is perfectly capable of defending His Son and Jesus is equally capable of making himself known to those who would seek to denounce him. We are called to love not hate, we need to allow God to be God in situations like this and not try to fight His battles for Him. Transforming hearts and minds is God’s job not ours, I suggest that what He needs us to do is pray, and make it one of blessing not retaliation, too often we underestimate the power that can be unleashed when we simply let God be God.

I am more effective if I allow myself to be offended by the way the elderly are treated in this country, the problem of the AIDs epidemic in Africa, world poverty, the adverse affect that binge drinking has had in this country and the ignorance of cocaine users in the UK and US as to how their habit impacts the poorest of the poor in Columbia. If I am offended by these things it moves me to pray and act – not in judgement but in love.

When I was spiritually young, my understanding was that of a child and though I would not claim to be that wise now, I do know that I cannot ignore the grace and favour that God has bestowed upon me and the enormity of His love. In light of this I want to learn more about this love, how it can transform and change the most hopeless of situations, how the loving Father sees His children and how I can live a Christian life with a passionate not mediocre heart, with focus not distraction, in action not in complacency.

It is strange to find that in things I once saw as threats to the name of Jesus, I now see the sovereignty of God – the opposite of what I should see and yet isn’t that what was meant, in part, by ‘Father, forgive’ ? My Saviour - turns it upside down and somehow makes it right, the startling logic which first appears as foolishness, this mystery which I know the answer to but am still working out, what else could my response be but love?

Home

The recent major event that I have yet to write about is the miracle that God has done by providing me with a place to live. I had been living in shared housing for 11 years and was desperate for a space of my own. However with a very small budget and two cats, my options were limited. At the end of last year the situation in the house I had lived in for 3 years changed and the result was that it didn't feel like home anymore, to the point where some nights I cried myself to sleep. Of course I was grateful that I still had a roof over my head but somehow as a daughter of the living God couldn't I expect more than this? So I asked Him for a solution, either give me grace and patience to enable me to deal with it or find me somewhere else to live. The prospect of giving up the cats was not a nice one but something I was considering.
However, as is often the way with the Father in the space of a week things had completely changed. Following a conversation with a Christian friend I was prompted to call a local church in to enquire about a masionette. That particular option was too expensive but they mentioned a single occupancy property advertised in a village not far from where I lived. I called the landlord fully expecting the cost to be at least £700 pcm but instead I was surprised to learn the cost was £350 pcm plus bills. I couldn't quite believe my ears! I went to view it and the property was a bungalow tucked behind the garage of the main house, it boasted a lounge, bedroom, kitchen, conservatory, bathroom and cordoned off section of garden. The couple who owned it were happy to put a catflap in and insisted on buying a microwave for me as the current tenant was taking theirs with them. All I need to provide was a freezer (there was one advertised in the local paper for £10 which I enquired about but when I went to collect it the seller gave it to me for free!), so I moved in and everything is perfect. Even down to the little details, there is no doubling up of furniture so what I have fits in without any problem, the house is situated 5 minutes from the M40 so my journey to church in London has been reduced by 20 minutes and there is a swimming pool in my landlord's garden which I will be allowed to use in the summer!
I have never had any problem believing that God does these kind of crazy miracles, I just didn't ever think I would be on the receiving end of one! This bungalow has provided so much more than just an opportunity to have my own space, it has released me and given me a freedom, I sense a lightness in my spirit that I hadn't been aware of before. The icing on the cake is that a couple of weeks before I moved in I was praying and thanking God for His provision and I sensed Him say that this new home would be a place of restoration and new beginnings. I noted this in my journal and didn't really think anymore of it until a fortnight later at the prophecy course which I had been attending at church, the speaker said that he sensed that God was doing a work of restoration amongst His people! Since that time I have seen my finances blessed and seen the beginnings of what God is doing. A hope that was diminishing is now regained and I have the boldness to ask God to restore those aspects of 'me' that have been lost following hurts and disappointments. I cannot fully put into words the sense of freedom that I have now but I thank God that I can testify to His faithfulness and awesome power.

The soul's window

I wanted to follow on from the last post by adding that it occurred to me that we spend a lot of time contemplating how we appear to other people, rather than concentrating on what they see inside us. The eyes are supposedly the window to the soul - do people look into my eyes and see that they are affirmed and accepted or do they see my insecurities and desire to be loved? I've been thinking seriously about character lately and how our society places so much emphasis on how success is defined by the outward indications rather than the hidden development shaped by experience. If we think of our circle of close friends - were we drawn to them because of their physical appearance or because of their character and the qualities that they exude?
I spent Saturday night with some of my favourite people celebrating my birthday. It doesn't seem to matter which particular selection of friends I spend time with, there is always laughter and a sense of belonging, of being in the right place. It doesn't matter that these friends (you know who you are!) decided that following a rendition of Happy Birthday it would be an excellent idea to applaud me, with a single clap for each year of my life. They counted them. 33. In the middle of the restaurant. Thanks guys! Still I didn't hold it against them, I rewarded them with this amazing fact - the actor who is currently playing Pauline Fowler's new husband in Eastenders is the same man who used to narrate Mr Benn - amaze your friends with that!
It's so good to be blogging again, I have a back log of stuff I want to write about so I'm sure I'll be on here again soon!

Resolutely resolved

Is it really 19th January already?
I've given up the idea of New Year's resolutions and have instead resolved to keep an open mind and look for small truths, encouragements and challenges on a daily basis. Besides, I think I prefer the idea of having a couple of things in mind that I want to achieve this year, which is more attainable. I think I've mentioned learning to tango already and the other was to discover how to play poker. Not that I want to start a gambling habit you understand but I just fancy the challenge. I wonder if there is a way of combining the two activities? Now that would be interesting......

Love your tree

I've just been reading an article by Eve Ensler (author of The Vagina Monologues). She has written a new play The Good Body and as part of her research visited over 40 countries to interview women on their attitude to their bodies. A poignant comment made by Leah a Masai woman was this: 'In America, your bodies are just pictures to you, here we live in our bodies they do our work' Leah also had some sound advice for those moments of self hatred that we all experience. 'There are no ugly trees. You don't go around saying "That tree is prettier than that tree" You're a tree, I'm a tree, we're all trees; you've got to love your tree.' I'm going to try and remember that next time I'm hating my thighs because I think they look like tree trunks...

Father's heart

During the course of Christmas dinner I found out that my Dad can dance the tango (it's something I want to learn in 2006). He didn't give me a demonstration as his hip was playing up, but it made me think.
Over the past couple of years dealing with the realization of the adverse affect some aspects of my family background has had on my development, I have forgotten the positives. Some of my gifts and talents I owe to my Dad. I am glad to have the creative streak that I possess and some of that has to be from his side of the family. This doesn't mean that I feel a sudden closeness to him, the road to an easy intimacy is a long one and I'm not sure yet whether I can travel it but when I am next caught in the turmoil of my family's below surface dysfunctionality, I can at least honour my father by remembering that he was once passionate enough about life to dance the tango.