One

And so 2007 has arrived. 2006 gets a mixed review from me. I have had some incredible blessings - the roof over my head, a free car, video and TV, a deepening of my relationship with God and despite suffering a stroke my Mum seems to be returning to good health. For all these things I am grateful, however amongst all these things there is one thing missing - a husband. I am not content to just merely think of a relationship now, I want to be with the man with whom I will serve God's purposes and further the Kingdom with. Normally I wouldn't write about such personal thoughts on such a public forum but I am disturbed by the situation that I find myself in. It is no longer enough to be content in the waiting and use this time constructively, bearing in mind that I was single for most of my 20s and have been single for all of my 30s so far, I think I have reached my limit of looking at this opportunity in a positive light. My feelings on the single state have changed in the last 18 months, I used to be content to think that it will happen one day but now I experience something that I can only liken to being broody - it is a physical emptiness that I know will only disappear when I am in a relationship. If I am busy, or focused on something, I can forget for awhile but then something happens to remind me that I have no-one and the hurt returns. It is ever present and sometimes my thoughts begin to swirl round like a flurry of snowflakes, crashing and bouncing off each other, I can't make sense of what I feel, it's all just a mass whirling of white. Is it wrong for me to say that even God can't fill this emptiness for me?
As a church I believe we have been complacent and Christian women just accept that there are simply more of them than there are men and so resign themselves to a possibility of life long singleness. But this can't be right surely? At this present time I am almost ineffective as a Christian as my focus seems to be soley on my single state, and no matter what small steps I take to spending time with the LORD, praying or worshipping the emotional exhaustion overwhelms me. It doesn't matter how often I tell myself that the signs indicate that I am on a journey towards a relationship and how many encouraging words I receive, hope has drained from me so I find it difficult to believe that it will ever happen.
I am holding on to the faith that I have that God is greater than all this, that He has performed a miracle with my accommodation, blessed me financially and provided a replacement car. This is a Father that provides for His daughter's needs and I have to trust Him and be persistent in my request.
One day I hope to re-read these words knowing that I have been blessed with a relationship.